Reflections on Being Homesick

I had the opportunity to call home today and speak with my family. The timing was perfect since some extended family had just arrived from out of town. I had the chance to speak to my aunt and uncle, as well as a nice long list of cousins who I haven’t seen in a long time. My mother and father have a knack for beginning new household projects whenever I leave and begin a new chapter in my life. For example, when I first left for college they moved to a new house altogether. Departing for Basic Training in 2001, I returned to see the house almost completely remodeled, new paint, new carpet, and a whole host of other changes. This deployment has been the most drastic to date. Our backyard is now completely different, with new landscaping, new slabs of concrete poured and a totally remodeled pool and an added Jacuzzi. The windows in the house have all been replaced, my father rebuilt our cooling and heating ventilation system, I received a totally new bedroom set at my parents house, and now a bay window is being installed in our front room near the foyer. Every time I call home, something new is in the remodeling phase and my father always rebuts in a joking matter, “whatever your mother wants, she gets.” As soon as he passes the phone on to my mom where I began talking about their latest project, she just sighs and says, “your father won’t stop. He doesn’t even finish everything before the next home improvement project begins.” This is the long running joke in my family and we always have a good laugh about the subject. This weekend however, everything is on hold as the family enjoys some time to relax and visit with each other and sit in the beautiful new spa on a nice Orange County summer night. These are the weekends that make me wish I was home even more, far from my home in a canvas tent, the gusty winds and the brutal heat.

Growing up, we used to visit my extended family that is currently “in town” for the weekend, all the time. They lived in Big Bear at the time, a mountain resort town about two hours east of Los Angeles. My childhood is full of memories hanging around my older cousins, riding their horses or my uncles motorcycle and looking for bugs. We had a cabin in the mountains near them for a few years, and we would go up and visit them, talking late into the night and enjoying the lake in the summer and the snow in the winter. Those were some great moments for a young southern California boy. It was those early years where I developed a deep love of nature that I have carried with me to this day.

Passing the phone around and saying my hello’s to everyone, I recanted the brief descriptions of what my camp is like, where I am, and how much longer I’ll be here in the desert. I assured them all that I am safe and that the biggest enemy I have to face is the heat and the insects that have begun to leave countless bites that itch like crazy. All of us in my tent have small scabs and scars where we scratched just a little too much, and new inflamed bumps where we fell prey to the feeding insects the night before. No one knows exactly what is biting us, I have a feeling though that it is either the ants or mosquitoes.

All of the feelings that phone call invoked were emphasized as I received another small shipment from Amazon.com the other day. One of my favorite groups the Kings of Convenience, a Norwegian indie duo that sounds like an updated Simon and Garfunkel, came out with a new CD a month ago. The first track is entitled “Homesick” and has similarities to S&G’s classic, “Homeward Bound.” I am a man who loves to feel things deeply and passionately, and even in times of sadness and missing home, there is something I enjoy about the moment where the pains of longing are emphasized by a theme song where the artist is singing lyrics that could have been written from the words that are currently on my heart.

“I’ll lose some sales and my boss won’t be happy, but I can’t stop listening to the sound of two soft voices blended in perfection, from the reels of this record that I’ve found. Every day there’s a boy in the mirror asking me: “What are you doing here?” Finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear. I’ve traveled far and I’ve burned all the bridges- I believed as soon as I hit land - All the other options held before me would whither in the light of my plan. I’ll lose some sales and my boss won’t be happy, searching boxes underneath the counter on the chance I’d find, a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for. Homesick, because I no longer know where home is.”

Ironically, in this feeling of homesickness, where your mind spins a bit with the memories of people and places you miss, I find solace and a remembrance of why I am here. Whether it is a subconscious reaction to soften the pain, or just the re-affirmation of what I am doing here, I always find a new resolve at the end of these periods. I find a hope and a re-dedication to the ideals I hold so dear, the ideals I came into this war with. I think of the things that make me proud of my nation: freedom and liberty, life, happiness, equality, the beauty of every landscape from the cities to the rural lands and deserts, and most of all a hope for a better tomorrow. Often times I do sit wishing that my contribution were bigger, or more meaningful. I do my best to cast those thoughts off though, knowing I am where the Army placed me, doing what the Army wants me to do. I am simply one soldier, following his orders and hoping for the best while wishing I could comfort and work beside those in the streets in the prone position, defending the innocents caught in the middle.

In moments where a tear falls from sadness, I find it transformed into a tear of pride. Being here reminds me of what a great nation we live in, whether we remember it all the time or not. Perhaps it is not necessarily patriotism that makes everyone join the military, but being in the military and seeing the world, one can not help but long for America, to see her beauty, to realize how special she is. It is because veterans have seen the situations in other lands that their patriotism is bone deep, and an emotion that runs with the beating of our hearts. The military breeds patriotic fervor in soldiers, but not because it is taught to us. Rather, patriotic fervor is instilled in us by seeing firsthand that our framers were right, America is unique and beautiful. From seven thousand miles away, sometimes at night I feel as though I can see a faint light poking over the west, past the Atlantic that is a glimpse of our nation shining like a city on a hill.

So I move on, and do my duty. I miss my family and wish I could be relaxing this August day in a pool under a more sympathetic sun, but with a renewed passion I know I wouldn’t be anywhere else in the world today than right here, in uniform taking my orders. The pools will not dry up, my family will greet me with tears and joy in a few months, and I’ll sleep soundly in my bed and under a roof. My life will once again me mine to do with as I please, but unlike the lyrics to the song, this diatribe has helped remind me that I know what I am doing here, I know my motives, I know where home is, and though I may be homesick, time will be the cure and this ailment will pass into pride.

Comments

[bicyclemark]

After commenting I'm going looking for some Kings of Convenience songs, cause it sounds excellent.
I'm glad I have the chance to read your reflections, its a great thing that technology and the desire to communicate openly have made possible.
At the same time, I feel this urge to stand up and remind you that those very things you mention that you love about the US exist in many other places. I speak especially about the beauty... and the "freedom", that exists in a majority of the countries on this earth.
I digress, southern california sounds unique in its own way, much like the beaches of Greece or the rainforest in Brazil, and I'd like to visit all of those.

[Tamara]

Chris,
You brought back some fond memories of my teenage and young adult years in So. Cal. I lived in Diamond Bar for several years, and spent a great deal of time up in Big Bear, either retreating from the heat and congestion of the city in the summer, or looking for snow in the winter. I remember the neighborhood beach trips to go Grunion hunting, building our bonfires on the beach, and My Dad using his favorite fix all tool, "Duct Tape," to fashion a football out of a towel, because we had forgotten to bring one. Our neighborhood also made many trips to a place called Deep Creek, which is a sandy, hilly area with some running streams, in the mountains north of Los Angeles. We'd pack up all the motorcycles and dune buggies and take off, usually Easter week, and spend it in the middle of nowhere having a blast. Ah, those were the days:) I now live in rural east Texas which I dearly love. A traffic jam, here, is a herd of Longhorns being moved to a pasture on the other side of the road. But, there is nothing quite like the diversity of people and scenery in So. Cal. Thanks for those thoughts and the trip down memory lane. And thank you for all that you are doing in service to our country.
God Bless you and God bless the good ole USA

[C. M. Lois]

Oh, Chris.. You made me cry! My heart aches that you and all our soldiers are so far from home and hearth (and HEARTS)... but you are in our thoughts and prayers always, until you are safely again in the arms of your mom (ok, and Dad ;-) A big bear hug to you!!!

[Kathleen A]

Chris - I'm going to start charging you for the kleenex. The job you are doing is DOUBLY important - not only are you doing your duty protecting us - but you're sharing it with us real time through this journal. Thank you. I am proud to call myself an American because of people like you.

[P.J. Degross]

Chris,
You never cease to amaze me.....such a combination of strength and sensitivity is rare...your words are like pictures in my mind...I can see every detail.....and I can feel your emotions...so come on Chris....my eyes are red and my nose is running ((smile))) give a kid a break....stay safe and God Bless

[Marci - No. Calif]

Chris, I have to agree with Kathleen Y PJ. You have a wonderful writing style. Reading your blog is going to triple to price of Kleenex stock. I have mentioned that I have a friend over there with you and my pride for him is tremendous as I know the pride your family and friends have for you surely is. I miss my friend every waking moment of every day he is gone. We all look forward to having our loved ones return home to continue making our happy memories. Once again, Chris, thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to post this blog. God Bless you, Chris...stay safe and take care.

[Writer]

Ah Chris...your talking music and memories of home immediately brought to my mind the song that just wipes me out every time: Ray Charles singing America the Beautiful. Says it all for me, like nothing else does. Being in Iraq would ruin my constitution cause I wouldn't be able to get to the Pacific. Being landlocked drives me nuts. Take good care of you. Okay?

[Todd Thompson]

I am honored to have an individual as yourself protecting my family and country. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love this country and am reminded through your words how precious it truly is. You obviously grew up in a wonderful place. Through your service, maybe another child will have the same opportunity, that maybe he never would have otherwise. Always remember I am grateful to you and that our nation will continue to be great throuh the precious souls that protect it. May God bless you and return you safely to that home so dear.

[Suzen Pope]

Hi Chris, just wanted to take the time and comment on your blog. I read it out of curiousity from the USATODAY website. I am an American living in London and although I am not a U.S. soldier my own brother has recently decided to join the Army. The reason I am mentioning it is that he is only 19 and is experiencing homesickness as well. Your excerpt has brought back the feelings of protectiveness and homesickness. Also reading your excerpt has reminded me that homesickness doesn't go away no matter which country you are in life just offers a way to deal. If thats through writing wheather its a blog or physical journal then so be it. Thank You for your personal insight and I hope many more blogs are contiuned.

Suzen

[Patrick Mulcahy]

Hey Chris,
My brother just got back, it was his 2nd tour, and also, along wiht myself, was in the First Gulf War. I asked him why he keeps going back, he told me it was because of guys like yourself. People can believe what they want, or what they read, but only you, and the others over their know how it is. You are ALL the heart, and SOUL of America, and what we stand for, please remember that everytime you see someone who needs help. You guys help those who can't help themselves, and ask NOTHING in return. May God keep you ALL safe, and get you home quickly. HOOO-A.......

Sincerely,
Patrick Mulcahy
SSGT (ret)

[Samsmom]

I'm a new mom to a precious baby boy. I cried selfishly when we first came home from the hospital because I didn't want him to grow up and leave me. But now that he's 5 months old and his personality is shining through, I realize the world needs my child! You are an example of what I want my son to see and be, to be proud of who he is, where he comes from, and selflessly give to those in need, whether its through dollar or deed. Without a father, I pray for role models like you to help me instill in him integrity and strong character. Thank you for serving and giving Sam a chance at a future.

[Don from SoCal]

Nice job articulating what I imagine most of our soldiers, sailors, airmen (and women), and Marines are feeling. It's ironic how a person surrounded by hundreds of others can feel lonely.

Like you said, the pools won't dry up. All of you are doing a heck of a job protecting our way of life by stopping those who want nothing more than to destroy the very freedoms you are fighting for.

Godspeed and a safe return for all.

[Tim Regan]

I hate the war but love the troops. As a former Marine I know what it is like to take orders and I love the fact that young men like you have the desire and the courage to be in the front lines of this fight. But damnit---I wish you all were home. God bless you all.
Tim

[Lyz]

I think that you have done a beautiful job articulating what most of the men and women out there in the field feel. I wish more americans could hear and feel stories like yours and the stories of us wives and mothers missing the men in our lives. I think it's really important that the average american never forgets that all the numbers have faces and they all have families attached to them. Hopefully you have helped to remind some people of that.